So I'm sitting here in my living room and have been doing so for the past hour. Just sitting, waiting for Julian to get up so I can feed him his breakfast. He is like a blindfold for me. He disguises my problems, makes me forget about all I have to worry about. I think this is partially a good thing, because he brings me to a happier place, but also I feel as though I'm hiding behind taking care of him. I'm using it as an excuse to push my problems out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. I need to act on these issues, yet am in fear of the huge ripples it will surely cause to occur. God, i need someone to help guide me through these vines of deception and lies. I wish I could just see easily the purest solution. Instead, I continuously put everything on pause and think only of interacting with my beautiful son. I know this is not wrong, but I also know I must make a change in my life. The way things are is not right, in fact it is far beyond wrong.
It's sad for me to see how far I have veered from the path I was taking in just a few short weeks. I went on my trip to Maine to leave this jumbled mess and view my situation from an outward perspective. To see with clarity what I must do, and how I must do it. When I got home from my trip, I still had that energy streaming through my body. The energy of freedom;happiness. In the last few weeks that energy has slowly been sucked from my being, replaced by a sense of overwhelming emptiness. My mind has become clustered with problems once again and I feel trapped, like a tree rooted to cement...or possibly infested with termites. I feel as though there is no way for me to escape this situation. That in the end it will be my demise. I wish I could just leave. Runaway to a new, refreshing environment and escape this torment...too bad that would be considered kidnapping my own child. This is not what I call freedom.
On to the next solution. The obvious: divorce. Well, good luck with that, Brie. The average cost of a dissolution of marriage with custody involvement is about 3,500...for the lawyer alone. Good fucking luck with that, Brie. Not to mention the awesome new that Florida is a dual custody state. FUCKING PERFECT. Oh, and the cherry to top it all off? Well, this divorce process generally takes 6-9 mnths and many times over a year to be completed....FML. I'm still at the same standstill, even with this knowledge. I need advice, I need help, and who do I have to talk to about this? Who has answers to give me? No one. Except for maybe a lawyer whom I'll have to give a generous lump of money to...

Ah, life. It's as tangible as it gets, yet many Ignore the natural, basic basis of it. Myself included, live in an artificial environment where the number one importance is materialism. We spend our days working in our materialistic society and our free time dilly-dallying on things like the Internet. What happened to spending our days outdoors enjoying nature, being in tuned with it?