So I'm sitting here in my living room and have been doing so for the past hour. Just sitting, waiting for Julian to get up so I can feed him his breakfast. He is like a blindfold for me. He disguises my problems, makes me forget about all I have to worry about. I think this is partially a good thing, because he brings me to a happier place, but also I feel as though I'm hiding behind taking care of him. I'm using it as an excuse to push my problems out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. I need to act on these issues, yet am in fear of the huge ripples it will surely cause to occur. God, i need someone to help guide me through these vines of deception and lies. I wish I could just see easily the purest solution. Instead, I continuously put everything on pause and think only of interacting with my beautiful son. I know this is not wrong, but I also know I must make a change in my life. The way things are is not right, in fact it is far beyond wrong.
It's sad for me to see how far I have veered from the path I was taking in just a few short weeks. I went on my trip to Maine to leave this jumbled mess and view my situation from an outward perspective. To see with clarity what I must do, and how I must do it. When I got home from my trip, I still had that energy streaming through my body. The energy of freedom;happiness. In the last few weeks that energy has slowly been sucked from my being, replaced by a sense of overwhelming emptiness. My mind has become clustered with problems once again and I feel trapped, like a tree rooted to cement...or possibly infested with termites. I feel as though there is no way for me to escape this situation. That in the end it will be my demise. I wish I could just leave. Runaway to a new, refreshing environment and escape this torment...too bad that would be considered kidnapping my own child. This is not what I call freedom.
On to the next solution. The obvious: divorce. Well, good luck with that, Brie. The average cost of a dissolution of marriage with custody involvement is about 3,500...for the lawyer alone. Good fucking luck with that, Brie. Not to mention the awesome new that Florida is a dual custody state. FUCKING PERFECT. Oh, and the cherry to top it all off? Well, this divorce process generally takes 6-9 mnths and many times over a year to be completed....FML. I'm still at the same standstill, even with this knowledge. I need advice, I need help, and who do I have to talk to about this? Who has answers to give me? No one. Except for maybe a lawyer whom I'll have to give a generous lump of money to...